


Revelations

by QuintusHazard



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Insecurity, Self-Esteem Issues, Trust Issues, it's a hurt/comfort big mac, it's angst then hurt/comfort then angst then hurt/comfort, their relationship isn't unhealthy i promise, they're just working things out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:09:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21750547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuintusHazard/pseuds/QuintusHazard
Summary: What is more difficult - to hide from people for fear of hurting them, or letting them see you at their own risk?
Relationships: Boldir Lamati/Chixie Roixmr
Kudos: 9





	Revelations

**Author's Note:**

> call me sony cos i be projecting

"Sometimes I don't like myself."

The confession hung heavy in the air - a pregnant pause - birthed from the slightly parted lips of the bronzeblood who lay on her stomach on a concupiscence plank. Her fingers fidgeted, occupying themselves with pressing buttons and nudging joysticks on the game controller she held.

Her companion stared for a few moments, witnessing the simplistic beauty of her lover, her face illuminated by the TV screen like a halo - or a glow of glory from the heavens, whatever that was.

"Why not?" came the eventual reply; the curiosity in the oliveblood's voice managing to mask, for the most part, the subtle heartbreak in her tone. 

Chixie chuckled weakly and shook her head, her shoulders rising momentarily in a shrug. When it became clear that Boldir was expecting a proper answer, Chixie shook her head again.

"I don't fucking know. At least you're not asking me to list the things I DO like about myself. I don't really think about myself much."

"Well I think you're wonderful. Gosh, that sounds patronising, doesn't it?" Boldir sighed, unused to such situations as this. "I get the sense that you think more about how you appear to other people."

"Yeah, that's the long and short of it. If I met myself - a clone, or something - I'd hate her. I know I'm annoying sometimes, but that's just how I understand it. I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel for you having to deal with my dumb ass most nights." Chixie's voice grew more strained and bitter as she kept speaking, until finally she just sighed shakily and kept playing her video game.

"Hey, that's my matesprit you're talking about." Boldir let herself smirk a little, nudging Chixie teasingly. Chixie let out another breathless laugh. "And for your information, I happen to cherish and treasure this particular matesprit with all my pusher. So you watch your words, got it?"

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry." Chixie giggled again, her cheeks turning a light bronze as her eyes still focused on her game. "But I happen to love my matesprit even more. I feel lucky that my matesprit even wants to fucking look at me. I mean - I'm just so unremarkable."

Boldir let a soft sigh out of her nostrils, resting her forehead on Chixie's shoulder - the oliveblood was also lying on her stomach next to Chixie. She'd been offered a chance at being player two in the game that Chixie was playing, but Boldir preferred to be a silent observer.

"It breaks my pusher to hear you talk like that about yourself. It's like you're tearing yourself to pieces with your own claws right in front of me." Although Boldir was known for being unreadable at the best of times, the melancholy in her voice was plain to hear. This made Chixie pause the game and turn her head, gazing at Boldir's forehead out of the corner of her eye. 

The silence persisted for another 30 seconds before, detecting no potential response from Chixie, Boldir spoke up once more.

"It makes me want to patch up all the wounds - the ones your own words make - but I don't want to be too intrusive. I don't want to endanger you or confuse you. After all, what I want is so brazenly pale when I know we only share the fondest, reddest affections."

"Fuck, look what I'm doing.." Chixie turned her head back, staring critically down at her own hands, which tightened and loosened around the handles of the game controller. "I'm the one who's confusing you. You're the one who does EVERYTHING in this relationship. You take me places, you deal with my emotional bullshit. What do I even do for you?"

When Boldir hesitated momentarily, turning her head away as if she'd been struck, an insistent 'huh?' came from Chixie's lips as she whipped her head around to look at Boldir again.

"Don't say things like that." Boldir managed, her expression twisting into a pained grimace.

"Exactly. I don't do fucking anything. And you sit there mollycoddling me and fawning over me like I'm the best thing since sliced grubloaf. I've opened myself up to you like a goddamn book but I don't know ANYTHING about you, because I don't put in the effort to learn." Chixie sat back on her heels, and Boldir followed suit shortly after, her movements slow and almost lethargic.

"You don't have to know anything about me." Boldir finally replied, her voice level but strained. She lifted her head slightly to regard Chixie in an almost distrustful manner. "You've asked before, and I've changed the subject. Don't pin this on yourself. If you knew more about me than you already do, you'd endanger yourself."

Chixie let out a groan, her brows furrowing. Her teeth clenched together verbally as she swung her head away, needing her own headspace to think for a moment of what to say next without potentially turning things sour. Boldir, for her part, didn't move or change. Still regarding Chixie with that same expression, she awaited an answer.

"Don't you trust me?!" Chixie finally raised her head again, fixing Boldir with a hard stare. "Trust is a two-way street, Boldir. How can I trust you if you can't trust me?"

"I never said I didn't trust you."

"You don't need to say it. It's pretty darn obvious with the way you withhold so much. Fuck, sometimes I don't even feel as if I know you." Chixie squeezed her eyes shut, her teeth bared. "No, fuck, god.. listen to me, trying to change the subject over to you. You must be less intelligent than I thought to end up with someone who pins their insecurities on how much you obviously don't want me to know YOU!"

Chixie rubbed her temples harshly with her palms, trying to calm herself down with loud breaths. Throughout this, Boldir's expression and posture hadn't changed. She watched Chixie. A deep part of her yearned to reach out and apologise and comfort her, but another part of her knew that this was somehow a conversation they needed to have.

"Like I said, Chixie. I care about you enough to not tell you things which could get you killed. If you knew, you'd wish you never learned." Boldir allowed a small sigh to escape her, her posture slouching just a bit.

Chixie contemplated the gravity of what she'd just been told, feeling red-hot tears rolling down her cheeks. Unexpectedly, she felt a slightly cooler hand cup her cheek, the thumb wiping away the tears from one of her eyes.

Even though she'd put up a facade of detachment, Boldir couldn't handle seeing her matesprit cry. 

"This can't work if you don't trust me." Chixie's voice wobbled as she held back a sob.

"It can't work if you're dead, either." Boldir's own voice was starting to lose its stability.

"Look, aren't you in danger of dying because of what you know? I can't leave you to bear that burden alone. I won't. I won't let you carry the knowledge that you could die from all by yourself."

Boldir didn't have an answer for that, beyond a vocal sigh. Within moments, Chixie was in her arms, and Boldir's face was pressed against the crook of Chixie's neck. The bronzeblood's eyes widened as she felt Boldir's cooler tears fall against her warm skin.

"There's a man who lives on the green moon..."

**Author's Note:**

> that was painful to write. there was GONNA be kissing, but i just didn't manage to fit any in.


End file.
